I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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