Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
your room smells of hookers.
And success
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
