I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
