Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize