Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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