I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Randomize
