The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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