My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I supernannyed him into submission
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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