end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
