Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
