bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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