When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I checked into jail on foursquare
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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