I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
