He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
