I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
It's rum buckets o'clock
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
