i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
