I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
