census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I am naked and annoyed.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
