My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
