Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
