i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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