after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
