please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
