I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
