i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
