Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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