I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have fence marks all over my body
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
