i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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