I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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