I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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