I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I need water and some morals
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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