I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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