Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
