Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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