he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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