Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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