I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
This is my gift to your gina
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
