Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
