don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize