pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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