I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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