I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
