My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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