Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
