I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize