Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
