She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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