Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
