i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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