How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
