I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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