There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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