I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
