so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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