u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
