So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
