he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
