I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize