Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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