I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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