Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize