I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
