$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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