An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
