Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
