I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
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