Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
