So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
